I was asking the wrong questions.

I’m not waiting for others to make sure my kids are unstoppable learners. I’m taking matters into my own hands by helping them build their own toolkit.  And I’m their guide.

I want to give you a heads-up on what I've learned the hard way.  You get to skip the mistakes I made.

I used to ask three questions to try to engage my kids in their learning. I’ve since thrown those out the window. They didn’t work. My kids clammed up, scowled, or just grunted. 

Their response (or lack of) got my educator brain going. I thought about the questions and realized that the way I was asking set me up as a questioner, not as a partner who is genuinely interested in their learning.

I decided to make some simple shifts. They may seem like tiny thingsr, but hear me out. When I changed my questions even slightly, I found it reframed the whole idea of school and learning.

(One more thing before we dive in: timing matters. Sometimes I asked these the second my kids jumped in the car at pickup or the instant they walked through the door. But if I truly want conversation, I need to give them a moment to decompress and demonstrate that they have my full attention. Just asking better questions isn’t enough.. That is probably a whole different blogpost).

Here are the 3 questions I used to ask and their re-phrased versions.

Question #1:  "Did you have a good day?" I used to ask this without thinking about the message it sends. Our culture drops "good" into so much of our everyday talk that it guts it of meaning. "We're good." "Things are good."

But is every day good? Does it need to be?

I noticed that when I asked this, my kids would just withhold. It was easier for them to say "Sure" and move on, so I wouldn't push further. They quickly learned that a trite"everything's fine" eased mom’s worries…so she stopped digging.

But it kept us from being real with each other. And it quietly sent the message that a hard day was somehow a failure.

Here's the thing. Challenges are part of learning, and conflict is inherent to human relationships. Both happen constantly at school – especially when we're actually growing.

Here’s what I say instead:"How did you work through a challenge today?" This normalizes discomfort and signals that you expect hard things to happen. It also positions your kid as the active one — they're responsible for noticing those moments and pushing through them. And it shows you have confidence in them. When I asked my son this, instead of complaining, he explained how he was writing an essay and used the rubric to help him in the revision step. 

Question #2: “What did you do in school today?” We were at family dinner and between bites of pasta, I asked Nick this question. He paused his fork midway and responded, “A lot. I had 8 classes, mom.”

This question feels like a solid open-ended question, and it is — but there are two quiet problems with it. 

First, and as we see in Nick’s response, kids have been "on" all day. Their nervous systems and cognitive load have been running at full capacity for hours. Their brains often need time before they can genuinely reflect. 

Second, using the word “do” matters. (I know this sounds petty, but stay with me). Our culture treats "doing school" as the point of the exercise - . But projects, the assignments,  and worksheets are only the end products. What we really care about are the ideas, concepts, and understanding that comes from all that doing. .

So try this instead. Ask, "What are you learning about?" It's a small shift, but it points toward the learning — not the output. The first time I asked Nick this question he actually said, “Um…You didn’t ask me about my grades or assignments.” I just smiled and said, “You’re right!” and he launched into telling me about the book they had been discussing in English.

Question #3: “Did you have fun at school today?” I have come to really cringe when I think about this one. It’s tricky because It implies that school should be fun — rather than a learning experience that is meaningful or satisfying or worth doing. Left unpacked, it can quietly teach kids to expect their teachers to entertain them.

I now ask, "What made you curious today?" This puts my son back in the role of active thinker, like a detective looking for what interests them. Curiosity is a natural gift, and when we're curious, we chase understanding. We're pursuing the process, not just the product. Curious kids learn to love the process of figuring — not just the happy feelings that come when something's easy or fun.

These questions might feel awkward at first. That's okay. It took me lots of practice to have them ready on my tongue. 

Just consider how small shifts in language create real shifts in how our kids see themselves as learners — and how they see us as partners in that process.