It's Freeing...Really.
It's true. You feel it. I feel it. The KIDS feel it.
We are going through a time where absolutely EVERY human being is feeling unsettled. The ground beneath us is shifting sand. We thought we had a wider locus of control in our lives. We are realizing that we have far less than we perceived.
That sense of having say in what happens to us is agency, one of three foundational human needs (the others are belonging and cognitive competency - more on those another day). All three begin in our heads.
Brains like order. They like predictability with a SPRINKLE of novelty to keep us curious. Constant change is something our brains CAN handle, but we don't like it. Layer in the amygdala, our instinctual center that activates when it perceives threat. When that goes off, it shuts down our ability to reason. We act on self preservation.
Cue the past two years. We have been flexible, creative, and patient. We've tried to keep our literal and figurative heads above water. We've told ourselves this will pass...we've been hopeful. Our brains and bodies are tired. Those amygdala alarm bells have rung with every statistic, diagnosis, and (ugh) PIVOT.
I am right there with you. Adulting is HARD right now.
Here's the thing: we are acting (not intentionally - remember, this is instinct) as though our actions have no affect on others most of the time - we are in flight or fight mode.
Here's the bigger thing: that self preservation behavior is affecting our kids. It's what our kids see, hear, and are learning. They don't think there's another way to be.
I see it every day. Kids acting on the belief they have no control of ANYTHING. Life just happens TO them, and they just REACT. Run that forward. That means they don't have any idea what they can do, they have no understanding of what it feels like to DECIDE or RESPOND to things.
THAT'S why this year, despite going back to school (oh how we thought that would solve so much...), it's been harder than ever.
As a parent and an educator, I am with you. I feel squeezed, frustrated and utterly exhausted. There's a lot going on.
There are day I want to simply take care of myself. I find myself entertaining, "It would be so much better/easier if I..."
And then I remind myself: I am grasping for a locus of control. I feel threatened. I am acting instinctually.
So I am working on this: Rather than telling myself that something has to change for me to have control, I focus on what I truly have power over: my own mind. I can control how I speak and think. My language - in my head and aloud - is in my control. It costs nothing, and people can't take that from me. That is my agency, that will ground me when everything around me is nuts. That is FREEING.
I don't need to have everything under control (I can't) because I have the agency I need if I choose to.
Teaching kids that THEY can do that too is what keeps me going to school each day.
And it works. It takes time...they don't like it at first...until they have a true taste of making their own decision. That's big.
Instead of offering a myriad of solutions I have thought of, I ask kids what they've thought of first. Instead of, "Let me do that," I say, "I believe you've got this...keep going!" Instead of asking, "How was your day?" it's, "How did YOU learn today?" When kids aren't getting along, we come together and THEY come up with a solution.
All this language SHIFTS the responsibility from me to them. That seems counterintuitive to solve my problem of wanting the control, BUT it doesn't.
That's how they create their sense of capability and agency. Once they understand and exercise their agency, they fly. I no longer have to hold up the world FOR them. I am there to support differently.
And that frees me too.
Let them take the wheel.
Last night, one of my drivers called around 8, "Hey mom, I'm ok, but..."
Oh the dreaded "but" on the phone. It's the rush of adrenaline uppercut/out of my control combination punch.
Turns out he was in a fender bender. No one hurt, cars with minimal damage. Scott and I are thankful.
An accident, a mistake. However much unintended, it still happened and needs to be dealt with. How we -- as parents -- deal with this matters.
I could just pay for it and "take care of it" for him. But I have learned that it's less about "taking care" of things for our kids and more about our children leaning into the learning from the event.
My parenting muscles will grow here too. It takes everything within me not to jump in and make everything, or make him feel, "better."
Pause.
This pretty much sums up parenting from Day One. I just birthed a being that is not me anymore. I'm simply under an illusion of control if I think I have any.
Children hand us those moments constantly. The toddler goes boneless in the middle of the store...their effort at school is earning less than stellar results...they gave you one version of a story and conveniently left out their part, and now you're sitting with another participant in the event and a new side is coming out...
Kids have this way of keeping us humble.
Just when I think things are on an even keel...something hits the fan (with four kids, that's actually almost daily). I have learned to take lots of deep breaths as a parent, lots of learning to respond rather than react. Honestly, there are times too where I crumple into a ball and just need to cry.
In all those moments, I have to do important self talk. "You are raising them to be able to take care of others..." "They need to know how to manage this..." are my go to.
If I manage and intervene, they are merely spectators. If I buy that toddler something to placate, I have avoided the opportunity to teach them how to manage emotions and delay gratification. If I set up a conference with the teacher about grades without my child present, I am missing the biggest part of the puzzle. If I hear one side of the story and set forth to rectify the wrong, I have missed the chance to teach my child they aren't the center of the universe AND all perspectives should be heard before rushing to action (um...that's a biggie and happens with siblings all the time).
When I "fix" things for them, they aren't having to do anything, really. And worse, I have actually subtly given them the message that I don't believe they can handle this.
If I don't give them supportive opportunities to practice problem solving and dealing with things when they fail, how will they be able to do it later when I am not there? (Ok, don't be morbid, I am just planning on them moving out at some point).
I am not advocating that they handle this ALONE. I am there, Scott is there...offering information and reflection. Our kids are learning to navigate, and they need to be given the tools from adults who have a bit more time on the figurative road than they do. But it's not a lecture...it's a conversation, where my child's voice is active. They need to talk about what they are hearing you say, reflecting on choices, and making plans for moving forward. With you.
I didn't start out parenting this way. I have changed...mostly because that control illusion I was talking about earlier was stripped away. It finally sunk in. I needed to parent in a way that celebrated their process, not my ability to keep everything intact.
I have gotten better at this over time, and with each child. And each child is different and will present different challenges, of course.
Finally, by child #4, I had more practice. That was me, the (still aware but ignoring the stares) mom at Target, leaning over a screaming, red-faced two year old, saying calmly, "You heard my answer. No. I can see you are upset, but that's not going to change my decision. You can handle this."
As I got more practice, I notice with the older boys that I was less overwhelmed when they made mistakes. I did less managing and more supporting.
The other magical thing about letting them face a struggle and pull through is the sense of confidence they get. They feel genuinely competent to manage themselves. That's the grounding they will need internally when all of life around them shifts constantly.
My son will work through this. He'll learn -- about failure, grace, and forgiveness. And he will come out stronger for it.
I will keep giving him, and all my kids (including my students) the wheel.
Yes, they’re learning, but they CAN fly.
...y’all, I can’t be silent about this.
In the past 5 years, I have observed a trend. And it scares me.
When a student struggles, it’s my job to design instruction and learning experiences that meet those needs. If a gap is not closing with those documented and monitored interventions, it’s also my job to support when the team (teachers and parents) see a need for testing. There’s a long process to get to this point. A lot of hours and documentation. What are we testing for?
Testing for a diagnosis. Putting a label to the struggle.
Labelling is a whole different topic for a whole different blog, but suffice it to say I think a label is information, but NOT a child. It is harmful to think of an individual AS something due to a label. Again, for another day.
Here’s the part that shocks me: I have sat through many meetings lately where children are testing at average or above average on a range of cognitive tests and do not qualify as having a learning disability.
That may seem strange for me to say. I am bothered by their results -- that they are cognitively in the range expected at their age level.
Let me put it this way: It's not that these kids can't...it's that they haven't.
Yikes.
I would like to offer something I think is actually at the root in these situations. AUTONOMY.
These kiddos aren’t doing things (might I even say, aren’t expected to) for themselves.
Things I have noticed: upper elementary kids can’t tie shoes, students don’t know how to put things where they have a designated spot, they are dependent on an adult to tell them where and when they need to be somewhere. And those aren’t even academics. The same lack of agency spills over to their work. They wait to be told it’s time to pay attention, learning is simply completing the next task.
A lack of autonomy is dangerous.
But how does this happen? Adults manage, fix, or simply just do. When things get uncomfortable for a child, we jump in.
I know as a parent I have done it. I’m working on it. I keep reminding myself that it's MY need to do for them, not THEIR need for me to do it.
It may take care of something temporary when we make things easier for them, but inadvertently we are creating a sinkhole where a child subconsciously absorbs the belief that they CAN’T or DON’T NEED TO.
That becomes a conscious mindset and HABIT as they get older that manifests in symptoms of anxiety, depression, and...hm...presentation as a cognitive issue.
What can we do when our kids are uncomfortable? Pause and think about how that looks in your child.
For some, they'll give excuses or blame others. Others, tantrums. Some will even have the perception that it's the world against them.
Try this: instead of, "You should..." use, "What have you tried/thought about trying?" Instead of, "Let me do that," use "What's your plan in getting this done?" Try a questioning stance.
It will frustrate them. It takes REPEATED times. But think about it...does anything worth it take time? Yep. They will push back and test until they know you will remain consistent.
Know that as they begin to see themselves working through something hard themselves, they experience authentic success, and that's what's going to be that intrinsic motivation to go after things that are challenging for them.
Our kids deserve to be competent and independent. They can, and they will...if we give them that chance.