Why I stopped saying, “You’re so smart!”

We mean it with all good intentions: "You're so smart!"

It's rolled off my tongue too.

Unfortunately, it's quietly teaching your child that their ability and their talents are fixed. Something they either have or don't. And once a child believes that, every hard moment becomes a test of whether they've still got it.

First off, it's ok if you've said it. If you're like me, that's what I heard from adults growing up, so that's the example I learned from.

What I'm trying to shift is praise from "You're such a great reader" to "You worked really hard sounding out the words in that section." I'm choosing to name their effort rather than labeling them.

Before you dismiss this by saying, "I don't sound like that," let me tell you why this is so important.

When we label, it sounds like encouragement, but it creates fragility. The moment things get hard, the child who has been praised for being smart suddenly has nowhere to go. Having to work hard feels like an admission that they aren't as smart as everyone thought. Struggle feels like failure.

When we praise effort, it's a different story. Because we've named what they're doing rather than who they are, the hard parts feel like part of the work, not a sign that they aren't smart enough. Struggle becomes something to push through.

This week, notice one moment where you swap the label for the effort. Just one. "I can see how hard you worked on that" instead of "you're so smart." Watch what happens in their face.