It looks like it’s working.

I had a phone call with a colleague the other day. She’s got younger kids and was completely maxed out. She ran through everything on her plate and then said, "I just don't know the RIGHT thing to do."

And I thought... God. Neither do I. I really don't. (and that’s ok, by the way!)

But here's something I've noticed, both as a parent and as an educator. Adults are working so hard to do the right thing that we've accidentally started doing something else entirely. We've started removing the hard parts.

Not because we're just looking for easy. Because we love them. We smooth the path. We manage the fallout. We make sure they land okay.

And on paper? It looks like it's working. Good grades. Check. Moving forward. Check.

But then something gets genuinely hard and they melt, avoid, or act out. Every time.

I've seen it. I've been in those shoes.

Here's what I think is actually happening: when we take away the friction, we also take away the evidence. The evidence that they did something That they got through it. And somewhere underneath all the success, they know. And honestly? We know too. 

(The nerd part of me wants you to know this is called self-efficacy. And it’s crucial.)

That's not a confidence gap. That's a confidence wound. And it doesn't always show up right away. It waits. It waits for the hard class, the first real job, the moment life doesn't go according to plan.

And then it shows up like a kick in the face.

I don't say that to be doom and gloom. I really don't. I say it because I think we have to take the long view on our kids, the same way I had to when I was juggling three kids under three and realized I literally could not manage everything for them anymore.

I had to let them struggle with some things. And it was uncomfortable as hell. But what grew out of that? Was them. Actually them.

The world our kids are walking into is not going to hand them sure things. AI is reshaping everything. The economic floor looks different (just ask my recent college graduates). And kids who've never had to sit in discomfort, push through uncertainty, or do a hard thing and come out the other side, they're not going to have the tools they need. 

Not because they aren't smart or capable. Because we didn't let them practice.

The most important thing I invested in is their internal toolkit. The capacity to struggle and not collapse. To face something uncertain and stay in it. To do hard things and know, really know, that they did it.That toolkit goes with them everywhere. It doesn't expire. And it's the one thing no one can take away.

My kids are a huge proof point. Their paths are curvy, bumpy, and sometimes not what they expect. But they keep doing it on their own. 

And me? Well, I have so much trust in their ability that while I don’t completely stop worrying about them, I am not anxious. I know they are going to land not only on their feet, but in the exact place they should be.